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"Being a 57 year old man, I really don't care what I look like in the hospital.  The only reason I care if the gown is covering my backside is to prevent the scaring of many young ladies' lives.  I'm telling you, one glimpse of my backside and they won't want to get married."

"He's being such an ass."
"Well, tell him to un-ass himself."

"No, she's not my girlfriend yet.  She has to get so many points to get bumped up to the next level.  It's kinda like Pokemon."

Saying something idiotic, then acknowledging that people will reply calling you an idiot, doesn't make you any less of an idiot. In fact, you're more of an idiot for following through all of the actions of an idiot while admitting you are an idiot without understanding that you are an idiot.

"So one of my friends fucked 3 of my 6 guy friends. IN ONE WEEK.  I'll hook you up with her, she's pretty."
"Thanks...you sure she doesn't have any STDs?"
"I think so, but I'd try and get her while she's still fresh."

"I have a frosted ass crack"
"I would so eat that frosting!"

"Eat shit Dietz."
"Make sure it's nutty, but not too nutty.  I don't like shit when it's too nutty."

"If they had a vote for who curses the most on campus, would you vote for me?"

"Yeah, I guess so.  Some people have better bursts than you, but you have the best overall usage."

"I got excited.  Don't do that to a blonde.  Especially one that gets her hair stuck in car doors.  Frequently."

Okay buddy, slowly just slowly drop the knife and fork
What?
Keep your hands on the table, you are under arrest for slandering the carrot. You don't have to say anything but...
You're kiddin', thats the most pea-brained thing I ever heard
You're insulting peas now, just keep on going buddy, you're asking for it

"I babysat a 4, 7 and 10 year old boy and yes, they were all about their special friend."
"Yeah that's how all guys are, he's the best thing since...well he's the best thing ever!"

"So what language do people in London speak?"
"You're kidding, right?"
"No..."

"You know what they say about guys with big TVs?"
"They have small penises?"
"No, they don't see very well."

"Matt is REALLY special...like short bus special.  It's ok though, because I'm the bus driver."
"YAH!!!"

"How does this work for me telling a guy who is fucking ugly I don't like him:  'Sorry, but right now I don't have enough time to really date anyone, and I don't think I want to date anyone this year because I just have so much going on it's not fair to the guy.'  Is that sugar coated enough?  I think it's better than just saying 'FUCK NO!', am I right?"
"I wish girls would tell me off that nicely, they usually opt for the 'FUCK NO!' instead."
 


There is no point in singing while shitting, because shit won't come out dancing.

"I want him."
"So how do you want him? Medium well or well done?"
"Medium rare.  That's how I like my men."
"Can you tell me what being a medium rare guy means?"
"No, because I don't even know what it means.  That's just how I like my cooked food when I go out to eat."
 

"Oh my gosh!  You're so funny it's mean."

If I ever marry into a religious family, I hope I can become a heroin addict. That way I can embarrass them all on Christmas when they're all thanking for love, kindness, etc, and I'll interupt and scream, "GET ME MY WHISKEY, BITCH!!! THERE IS NO SANTA!! I NEED ANOTHER HIT!!" and walk away.

I called this one kid Jewish in my class, and then he told me that he's actually Jewish, then I'm like, that's cool I'm German, so I'm allowed to make fun of you.

"Matt cursing is like second nature for you."
"I'd say it's more like first nature."

Alaskan Firedragon - When a girl is giving you a blowjob, cum in her mouth unexpectedly and plug up her mouth at the same time. Then whisper in her ear "I have syphilis", so she spews it out her nose.

"So, have you been homesick since you've been at college?"
"No, not really.  The chances of me being homesick are worse than the chances of me winning the lottery when I don't have a ticket."

Why is it that most nudists are NOT people you want to see naked?

So I'm starting to think people are like boxes of crayons, most the people you meet are, oh, 8 maybe even 16 colors, but what you really want is the big ass 64 color box with the sharpener in the back, I can't tell you how many times I've been with a 16 color person, I mean it's fun for awhile, but then we get on the subject of magenta, and she's all like "purple??", and I'm like "no.. magenta, bitch!"

Stuffucking - The act of "stuffing in" your limp, helpless member in hopes of getting it up. Potential causes: You're too drunk or she's too ugly.

The Snowmobile - When banging a girl while she's on all fours, reach around and sweep out her arms so she falls on her face.

"I'm glad that I am amused by little things."
"You're in the 'I like shiny objects' club too!"
"Yeah, but at least I don't play with a squirt gun like I am using my penis to write my name in a urinal."
"Don't poke fun at the simple minded."

"I was thinking earlier for some odd reason that it
would be sweet if when I'm older, I would be a
cheerleading coach.  Then when we need a fund raiser,
we would hold a car wash.  The catch is I would tell
them all to wear thin white t-shirts and short shorts."

How to Get Back at a Guy: Tell him to go the fuck away. Be a complete ass to him, he'll back down like a little bitch or start a fight. If he throws a punch, you beat the shit out of him and fuck his girlfriend while he's in the hospital.
 
 

Life's a bitch, then you marry one.

Be nice to females, give a bitch a hug.

And fuck all of you, I'm not gonna write that this is
some fucking irony or a misplaced failed attempt of
satire - you take it any fucking way you want.
And for most of you, it'll be up the ass. Hard and
juicy. Just the way you like it, fags.

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

NOTE: Actual conversations between myself and my friends are in quotes. 

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